Monday, October 11, 2010

Life before the dawn

Last night I slept all night, naturally.
 It doesn't sound that exciting until you miss several nights without even a nap. Then you start to wonder and of course start to Google; how long can you go without sleep....before you die *nine days*. It seems like forever and the loneliest path. Reflexes and recall are fragile, resources are few. People who went for records in staying awake usually chose to stay awake, to find that the body fatigued earlier than the will. But after nine days,
Different things start to matter, and like a trapeze artist reaching for hoops and hands, trust is invaluable.
This morning I heard that today's Aussie mum will prefer surgical over natural childbirth as more dignified.
My daughter and I had a conversation days ago over why we endure pain during birth. The outcome is beautiful, I told her. You can't gather the strength for that day until you are there. The memory of pain and tiredness passes quickly.
We had photos of me being brave; holding an eagle.
How to relax; pictures of our cat asleep.
No pictures of the child we couldn't see, but trust because of the weight I had carried, the movement I had felt.
Knowledge; because of the women who had been there.
Confidence in the person I had been, in trials before.
And each child is worth so much more than the problem of pain.
So why do you face a night of sleeplessness,
because somewhere I knew that person was still within me.
She could still make distances.
 Something would break the cycle of fear and worry.
I haven't lasted eight days, so I could try at three or five. I could forgive naps.
It's not something I would try because I could boast a record, but I know I survived it.


  1. This is a gorgeous piece of writing Jill. The photo with it is a lovely image to complement it too.

  2. thank you Carolyn, this is still new to me. I really appreciate the feedback :)